So, as no one reads this shit . .
Those thoughts have risen again.
The comfort that putting a noose around my neck would bring. I've been dreaming about it for years. And even attempted it once. It felt good. Or at least, not scary. And no pain.
I feel like a failure in every sense right now. I know I'm not. If, for nothing else, I have the most fantastic kids and they really are the only reason I'm still here to type. I cannot burden them with me.
But, dear god. Tonight - tonight I wish I could. I'd go to Pink Floyd. I'm so looking forward to it. And then, the guilt gets me. I have kids, family, and even friends. I know I'm not worthless in their eyes. But, I so am in mine.
I'm just not good enough. I fail at everything; I'm shit. I long for the pressure against my throat- I know it will be the relief I need.
Friday, 29 June 2018
Wednesday, 17 January 2018
Baby Blankets!
I've given up trying to make things to sell - people seem to think that hand made should mean cheap, and resent paying a decent amount for a blanket, scarf or hat, when they'd happily pay double that for something in store that was made on a machine in minutes.
So, I decided, as I didn't want to stop creating, to make for charity from now on. This FB post shows some of my recent baby makes
Baby Blankets
I love using the variegated yarns for C2C blankets - I think they work really well.
What do you think?
So, I decided, as I didn't want to stop creating, to make for charity from now on. This FB post shows some of my recent baby makes
Baby Blankets
I love using the variegated yarns for C2C blankets - I think they work really well.
What do you think?
Monday, 15 January 2018
Lets Go Round Again!
We're going to give this whole thing another bash!
This time though, we're tying it in with an FB page, and I may paddle on the shores of Instagram and Twitter too! But before I get ahead of myself, a little recent history . . .
Last year I set up a page - The View from my Kitchen Window. Documenting the changing of the seasons and hoping to spread ripples of hope and kindness. However, I tried to do this in the year following the passing of my Dad, and I found keeping focused difficult. I wasn't helped by having a bit of a dandelion brain. Not that I've ever been great at keeping this up!
Anyhoo - lets see where we get to. Am trying to get some photo's off my phone of some recent projects that I've completed, but it's proving trickier than expected . . . so watch this space and we'll see how it goes!
This time though, we're tying it in with an FB page, and I may paddle on the shores of Instagram and Twitter too! But before I get ahead of myself, a little recent history . . .
Last year I set up a page - The View from my Kitchen Window. Documenting the changing of the seasons and hoping to spread ripples of hope and kindness. However, I tried to do this in the year following the passing of my Dad, and I found keeping focused difficult. I wasn't helped by having a bit of a dandelion brain. Not that I've ever been great at keeping this up!
Anyhoo - lets see where we get to. Am trying to get some photo's off my phone of some recent projects that I've completed, but it's proving trickier than expected . . . so watch this space and we'll see how it goes!
Sunday, 9 February 2014
I'm back!!!
Our wireless router died on the 26th Jan, and it only took until the 7th Feb for us to get a new one, albeit with a different provider. It's actually been quite painful to be almost completely without internet. I could maintain basic contact with FB via my phone, but it was a) limited and b) getting expensive.
Am back now, and over the past 2 weeks there has been a lot to be grateful for!
However, I can't do 2 weeks worth of posts, so am going to cover the edited highlights. My darling other half had his 40th Birthday at the beginning of last week. His parents had come down from up north to help with the celebrations, and to look after the kiddies for a bit.
As part of his celebrations, he liaised with another friend who is 40 next week, and organised for 3 couples to spend 3 nights in his favourite wine region in France - Saint Emilion, in Bordeaux. So, last Wednesday we all gathered at Gatwick airport, and boarded our flight to Bordeaux with huge excitement. It was a hair-raising take off, and landing due to the 50mph+ winds, but for two of the couples, it was 3 nights, and more importantly, 3 mornings without kids.
Don't get me wrong - we love our kids to bits, but this was the first proper mini holiday without, where we even appreciated the airport experience which for once didn't have the need to find entertainment, shepherd toilet breaks, have eye's like hawks and the general low-level constant pressure and stress that being a parent, especially in a public space can be.
And so, we departed, and arrived on a blustery rainy evening. It was a long cab drive to our Chateau, but boy, when we got there it was stunning! (possibly haunted too by a very clean ghost - self-flushing toilets, showers turning themselves on, bathroom lights with minds of their own, and, of course, footsteps!)
Saint Emilion is a wonderfully pretty French town, and we had the pleasure of seeing it in the beautiful winter sunshine - a bonus as the forecast had been for rain and gales.
To cut a long story short, we dined out at wonderful restaurants every night, consuming wonderful food and fine wine (perhaps a little too much of both, judging by our heads each morning, and the scales when I got back!) We laughed loud and long, relaxed, slept, read and thoroughly enjoyed life for 3 days. We toasted absent friends, and made new ones.
We arrived back yesterday, and that felt amazing too. Cuddles with the kids were priceless!
Today we had more celebrations, with more food, as it was my father's 87th birthday celebrations. A fantastic pub lunch, surround by family, and with the additional bonus of skyping with my sisters, one in Germany, and one in France.
Now, I feel ready to pop!
Tomorrow, I begin the process of trying to get back in shape. It's going to be hard work, but so much fun too!
Am back now, and over the past 2 weeks there has been a lot to be grateful for!
However, I can't do 2 weeks worth of posts, so am going to cover the edited highlights. My darling other half had his 40th Birthday at the beginning of last week. His parents had come down from up north to help with the celebrations, and to look after the kiddies for a bit.
As part of his celebrations, he liaised with another friend who is 40 next week, and organised for 3 couples to spend 3 nights in his favourite wine region in France - Saint Emilion, in Bordeaux. So, last Wednesday we all gathered at Gatwick airport, and boarded our flight to Bordeaux with huge excitement. It was a hair-raising take off, and landing due to the 50mph+ winds, but for two of the couples, it was 3 nights, and more importantly, 3 mornings without kids.
Don't get me wrong - we love our kids to bits, but this was the first proper mini holiday without, where we even appreciated the airport experience which for once didn't have the need to find entertainment, shepherd toilet breaks, have eye's like hawks and the general low-level constant pressure and stress that being a parent, especially in a public space can be.
And so, we departed, and arrived on a blustery rainy evening. It was a long cab drive to our Chateau, but boy, when we got there it was stunning! (possibly haunted too by a very clean ghost - self-flushing toilets, showers turning themselves on, bathroom lights with minds of their own, and, of course, footsteps!)
Saint Emilion is a wonderfully pretty French town, and we had the pleasure of seeing it in the beautiful winter sunshine - a bonus as the forecast had been for rain and gales.
To cut a long story short, we dined out at wonderful restaurants every night, consuming wonderful food and fine wine (perhaps a little too much of both, judging by our heads each morning, and the scales when I got back!) We laughed loud and long, relaxed, slept, read and thoroughly enjoyed life for 3 days. We toasted absent friends, and made new ones.
We arrived back yesterday, and that felt amazing too. Cuddles with the kids were priceless!
Today we had more celebrations, with more food, as it was my father's 87th birthday celebrations. A fantastic pub lunch, surround by family, and with the additional bonus of skyping with my sisters, one in Germany, and one in France.
Now, I feel ready to pop!
Tomorrow, I begin the process of trying to get back in shape. It's going to be hard work, but so much fun too!
Saturday, 25 January 2014
Onwards
A day of wobbles yesterday. Once again, the things to be grateful for are highlighted against the plight of others. My kids have their Dad, I have my best friend and husband, who I cuddle at night, and wake up next to each morning. The security and comfort of this is stark when you realise that a friend now doesn't have that, that her kids no longer have their Daddy. The thoughts of what that family are going through have been a bit overwhelming at times.
Today I have chosen to live life in honour of our friend. He was endlessly positive, never really letting on about his illness with the only outward signs being his weightloss and increasing gauntness.
Today is bright and sunny. Today we're going to play with the kids, celebrate happiness, cuddle lots and appreciate all the good things.
The boys have been shopping, and the curry has been bought for tonight. They're now spending quality time playing on the Wii. I'm about to play pet shops with E. She's set up the shop, and is busy doing signs for each type of animal.
So, if you are reading this, breathe deeply, look around you and spend time with family, loved ones, friends. Send a message to someone you haven't heard from for a while, chase up that old school friend, spread a little love. Smile a little smile for the good things - a cup of tea or coffee, beautiful spring flowers, sunshine through rain, a little bit of birdsong, a long lie in reading papers, laughter with friends.
There are so many good things, we just have to see and appreciate them.
Have a good day peeps
xx
Today I have chosen to live life in honour of our friend. He was endlessly positive, never really letting on about his illness with the only outward signs being his weightloss and increasing gauntness.
Today is bright and sunny. Today we're going to play with the kids, celebrate happiness, cuddle lots and appreciate all the good things.
The boys have been shopping, and the curry has been bought for tonight. They're now spending quality time playing on the Wii. I'm about to play pet shops with E. She's set up the shop, and is busy doing signs for each type of animal.
So, if you are reading this, breathe deeply, look around you and spend time with family, loved ones, friends. Send a message to someone you haven't heard from for a while, chase up that old school friend, spread a little love. Smile a little smile for the good things - a cup of tea or coffee, beautiful spring flowers, sunshine through rain, a little bit of birdsong, a long lie in reading papers, laughter with friends.
There are so many good things, we just have to see and appreciate them.
Have a good day peeps
xx
Thursday, 23 January 2014
A sad day.
We lost a good friend today. One of those friends that we haven't actually seen for months - in fact I can't recall when we last saw him. Nevertheless, he was a good friend - one of those that you pick up where you left off. We've known him about the same time we've known each other. We all got married within a few years of each other, had kids within a few years of each other, even lived within five minutes walk from each other for years.
As our lives diverged, we saw each other less and less, but with others we determined that we would meet up at least once a year, and thus our lives have been for the last few years. We celebrated each others triumphs, breezed over all but the worst of our disasters, and laughed over fabulous memories that were brought out at each meeting, dusted off and enjoyed once again - such as one from the very early days, pre kids. Playing trivial pursuits - girls vs boys - we (the girls) were winning hands down. One of the men 'went to the toilet' and was caught by his then girlfriend, now wife. Her voice floated down to us 'this isn't phone a friend!' as he was desperately calling a mate for the answer. The other bloke - the one now missing - had already picked up a guitar and was strumming it lazily in the corner - when pushed to answer a question he looked up, smirked and replied 'Don't ask me, I'm Australian!'
Not necessarily a funny story if you weren't there, but hilarious to those involved.
Such friendships - where you pick up where you'd left off months before with no acrimoney and lots of love - are things to be treasured. Relationships full of love and laughter, memories grown fonder with time and shared experiences of jobs, marriage, kids and life.
Now we are one down. Suddenly, but not totally unexpected. He'd been fighting cancer for most of the time we'd known him. In fact, in the very early days - a year or so after meeting - was when we first visited him in hospital and, seeing the sign above his head, was when we first realised that he had another name other than 'Skippy' (he was Australian and had chosen the nickname himself!)
He was a great character - sparky, feisty, funny and strong. Had an opinion on most things and tough if you didn't agree. Cared passionately about his family and friends, was determined that they would live life to the full.
So, Skippy, we shall miss you, and honour you, and you will never be forgotten. I'm everso glad that we knew you, had the joy of you in our lives and know that you live on in the legacy of your beautiful children.
Bless you
xx
As our lives diverged, we saw each other less and less, but with others we determined that we would meet up at least once a year, and thus our lives have been for the last few years. We celebrated each others triumphs, breezed over all but the worst of our disasters, and laughed over fabulous memories that were brought out at each meeting, dusted off and enjoyed once again - such as one from the very early days, pre kids. Playing trivial pursuits - girls vs boys - we (the girls) were winning hands down. One of the men 'went to the toilet' and was caught by his then girlfriend, now wife. Her voice floated down to us 'this isn't phone a friend!' as he was desperately calling a mate for the answer. The other bloke - the one now missing - had already picked up a guitar and was strumming it lazily in the corner - when pushed to answer a question he looked up, smirked and replied 'Don't ask me, I'm Australian!'
Not necessarily a funny story if you weren't there, but hilarious to those involved.
Such friendships - where you pick up where you'd left off months before with no acrimoney and lots of love - are things to be treasured. Relationships full of love and laughter, memories grown fonder with time and shared experiences of jobs, marriage, kids and life.
Now we are one down. Suddenly, but not totally unexpected. He'd been fighting cancer for most of the time we'd known him. In fact, in the very early days - a year or so after meeting - was when we first visited him in hospital and, seeing the sign above his head, was when we first realised that he had another name other than 'Skippy' (he was Australian and had chosen the nickname himself!)
He was a great character - sparky, feisty, funny and strong. Had an opinion on most things and tough if you didn't agree. Cared passionately about his family and friends, was determined that they would live life to the full.
So, Skippy, we shall miss you, and honour you, and you will never be forgotten. I'm everso glad that we knew you, had the joy of you in our lives and know that you live on in the legacy of your beautiful children.
Bless you
xx
Sausage Rolls and Extreme Reading
No sooner do I settle into the routine of daily blogging, than I fall off the wagon so to speak!
Yesterday I was gripped with excitement over a new creative project I wanted to try, having bought some new crochet patterns for beautiful things. I had to go out and get the wool and a new crochet needle to have a go, so duly headed out straight after dropping the kids off at school.
Once parked up, I headed to the shops and passed a homeless chap in the stairwell of the multi-story carpark. I didn't want to give him cash, so made a mental not to grab him some food and drink on my way back from shopping.
Errands completed, I went into a bakery on the way back to my car, and picked up a large tea, and a couple of hot sausage rolls. When I got to where the man was, I knelt down and handed over the tea, with some sugar sachets - which he was very grateful for, and the sausage rolls - which he refused! Apparently he doesn't eat them because you can't be sure which part of the animal the meat came from 'Eyeballs and arseholes' was his delightful phrase.
I left them with him though, saying that he could give them to someone else, while at least keeping his hands warm on a chilly morning.
Is it wrong of me to feel a little affronted that my kind deed was rebuffed? Part of me thinks I'm wrong to feel that a homeless person shouldn't have the right to chose what they prefer, which fights with the other part of me that wonders how, when you don't know where your next meal is coming from, you can be so picky when receiving free food.
Anyway, pondering these deep questions, I got home, looked at the housework that needed doing and promptly decided to ignore it and settled down to some hooking! 6 hours later, it seems that I've wandered off pattern, or gone wrong somehow, so 6 hours of work will need unpicking and another go shall be made over the next few days.
So, where was the gratefulness for yesterday? I'm not homeless and begging, or in a situation where I need to feel that sitting in carpark stairwells is my best option for improving my life. I have a warm house, loving husband and fantastic kids. And, I'm able to devote a huge chunk of my time to a hobby which might earn me a few pennies here and there!
Also, hubby had a good day at work, the kids had a good day at school and life felt good enough to crack open a delicious bottle of red to share (with hubby, not the kids!), but that bottle of red was one of the reasons for not writing anything yesterday.
And, last thing. I've been a voracious reader ever since I can recall. If the book is good, I can't put it down but can read most books within a day. So, the rest of my life would be put on hold while I travelled other lands, and had amazing adventures in the pages of my latest book. After the kids, I found that I couldn't devote the time I needed to the books, and so for the last 8 years or so have read far less than I liked, although I'm getting back into the swing of things now.
My son, who's 8, hated reading until he had just turned 7. Now, he reads as voraciously as I used to - but that can lead to a few interesting moments. Such as my hubby finding the boy wonder lying on the floor of the bathroom at 3:30 am this morning, engrossed in his latest book!! LOVE that his reading appetite is so huge, exasperated as he's so exhausted this morning he's going to struggle to focus, and he has after-school sports this afternoon which is going to wipe him out.
Must go and catch up on the housework before doing some soul-destroying unpicking of 6 hours of work . . .
Yesterday I was gripped with excitement over a new creative project I wanted to try, having bought some new crochet patterns for beautiful things. I had to go out and get the wool and a new crochet needle to have a go, so duly headed out straight after dropping the kids off at school.
Once parked up, I headed to the shops and passed a homeless chap in the stairwell of the multi-story carpark. I didn't want to give him cash, so made a mental not to grab him some food and drink on my way back from shopping.
Errands completed, I went into a bakery on the way back to my car, and picked up a large tea, and a couple of hot sausage rolls. When I got to where the man was, I knelt down and handed over the tea, with some sugar sachets - which he was very grateful for, and the sausage rolls - which he refused! Apparently he doesn't eat them because you can't be sure which part of the animal the meat came from 'Eyeballs and arseholes' was his delightful phrase.
I left them with him though, saying that he could give them to someone else, while at least keeping his hands warm on a chilly morning.
Is it wrong of me to feel a little affronted that my kind deed was rebuffed? Part of me thinks I'm wrong to feel that a homeless person shouldn't have the right to chose what they prefer, which fights with the other part of me that wonders how, when you don't know where your next meal is coming from, you can be so picky when receiving free food.
Anyway, pondering these deep questions, I got home, looked at the housework that needed doing and promptly decided to ignore it and settled down to some hooking! 6 hours later, it seems that I've wandered off pattern, or gone wrong somehow, so 6 hours of work will need unpicking and another go shall be made over the next few days.
So, where was the gratefulness for yesterday? I'm not homeless and begging, or in a situation where I need to feel that sitting in carpark stairwells is my best option for improving my life. I have a warm house, loving husband and fantastic kids. And, I'm able to devote a huge chunk of my time to a hobby which might earn me a few pennies here and there!
Also, hubby had a good day at work, the kids had a good day at school and life felt good enough to crack open a delicious bottle of red to share (with hubby, not the kids!), but that bottle of red was one of the reasons for not writing anything yesterday.
And, last thing. I've been a voracious reader ever since I can recall. If the book is good, I can't put it down but can read most books within a day. So, the rest of my life would be put on hold while I travelled other lands, and had amazing adventures in the pages of my latest book. After the kids, I found that I couldn't devote the time I needed to the books, and so for the last 8 years or so have read far less than I liked, although I'm getting back into the swing of things now.
My son, who's 8, hated reading until he had just turned 7. Now, he reads as voraciously as I used to - but that can lead to a few interesting moments. Such as my hubby finding the boy wonder lying on the floor of the bathroom at 3:30 am this morning, engrossed in his latest book!! LOVE that his reading appetite is so huge, exasperated as he's so exhausted this morning he's going to struggle to focus, and he has after-school sports this afternoon which is going to wipe him out.
Must go and catch up on the housework before doing some soul-destroying unpicking of 6 hours of work . . .
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