So, as no one reads this shit . .
Those thoughts have risen again.
The comfort that putting a noose around my neck would bring.  I've been dreaming about it for years.  And even attempted it once.  It felt good. Or at least, not scary.  And  no pain.

I feel like a failure in every sense right now.  I know I'm not.  If, for nothing else, I have the most fantastic kids and they really are the only reason I'm still here to type. I cannot burden them with me.

But, dear god. Tonight - tonight I wish I could. I'd go to Pink Floyd. I'm so looking forward to it. And then, the guilt gets me. I have kids, family, and even friends.  I know I'm not worthless in their eyes.  But, I so am in mine.

I'm just not good enough.  I fail at everything; I'm shit. I long for the pressure against my throat- I know it will be the relief I need.